Huh

So here I am, listening to Reba McEntire, and refusing to even contemplate how long it's been since I last updated this. I refuse. I won't even look at the dates of the previous entries.

I'm well medicated now, which is good. Really, it is. Even if it means that I rarely have the desire, inclination, or ability to write these days. It seems that most of my creative inspiration came from my manic episodes, which I am no longer suffering from. At times, it's even been tempting to stop the meds, just to have that pipeline to creativity back. It was such a major part of my life for so long that without it I feel like less of a person. Or, at least, less of ME.

NaNoWriMo is coming up in a little over a month, and I don't even think I'll participate this year. 50,000 words in 30 days was difficult enough to do when I COULD come up with something to write. Now I just feel like a dry, empty well. I have one idea for a story, but that won't fill 50k words, not by a long way. And it's mostly just an idea based on the music I listen to. Not really that great, actually.

I feel like I'm forcing things right now. I'm forcing the happiness I show to other people, and forcing the relationships I have with them. All I really want is to curl up and ignore the world, but I know I can't do that. I start taking an anti-depressant next week, and I'm hoping that will break the funk. I'm also starting therapy next month. Maybe talking some of this out with someone who understands will help.

South Dakota is killing me slowly. I feel like the ficus tree that is planted in a pot instead of allowed to grow wild. Stunted in my growth, unable to really achieve what I'm capable of, because of my placement. I don't dare tell anyone about that, though. It would hurt Jerry so much if he thought I was that unhappy here, and hurting him is top on my list of things not to do. If I don't get out of here soon, though.... hurting him will fall lower on the list, to be replaced with "stay put". Does that make any sense? It does in my head, though I don't like the implications. My life is just so... stagnant! I don't go anywhere, I don't do anything but surf the web and lament the lack of writing. Our marriage hit a brick wall about 3 years ago, and it doesn't seem to be climbing over. At this point, I'd be happy with high-powered explosives bringing that wall down. A part of me feels like I want to leave, but I don't have anywhere to go, or any way to support myself if I did go.

Yep. South Dakota is killing me.