Woot!

We're getting a new bed today. We bought it yesterday, and they're supposed to deliver it sometime between 1 and 3 this afternoon. So of course, this is officially one of the slowest moving days of my life. I think I've checked the clock three times in the past 10 minutes. Or more... I just know that it's been 11:36 for WAY too long.

I need one of those old "Tell us about yourself" surveys. Those usually take a few minutes to complete. I need a distraction, and I refuse to watch Twilight a second time just for that distraction. Don't get me wrong, the movie wasn't BAD, it just wasn't my style. *pause* Ok, it was PAINFUL to watch. I am glad to say I got through the first two (the second one was better), and still have no desire to read the books. And that's saying a lot coming from an avid reader like myself. There isn't much I REFUSE to read, but the Twilight series tops that short list right now.

The whole reason I started watching them was because my brother had told me about the parody, "Vampires Suck", and I wanted to watch that, but I also wanted to be able to understand all the inside jokes from it. No, that's really the reason. So I watched, I suffered through the most angsty, codependent, paranoid teenagers in the history of cinema, and it worked! The parody made a LOT more sense that way. Now I will go pretend that I never watched the abominations in the first place.

We finished cleaning up the bedroom this morning, getting it ready for the new bed. I'm so excited about it, I can hardly contain myself. I'm going to pick up a pack of cloves later for my back, hopefully that'll shave a few minutes off of this.

I'm listening to Squirrel Nut Zippers' album Hot. It's been FOREVER since I heard their music, and I forgot how much I love it. There's something about the jazzy big-band combination that's just so beautiful to me. My dad reintroduced me to the music, he has a song or two of theirs on his party mix CD. I got to hear it when I was out there visiting last month, and fell in love with the genre and the band in particular all over again. Sure beats listening to nothing but Reba for hours .... and hours.... and... HOURS.

My computer was having trouble earlier this week. I went to boot it up, and it just cycled, unable to find my hard drive. I was so afraid of losing all of my work. All of the images I use for photo manipulations, all of my music, my writing... I'm determined to get an external hard drive soon, or at least a flash drive, to hold some of this stuff. I figure, if I can hold off for a month or two, I can get something really cheap at Best Buy for Black Friday. My friend wanted to go stand out there for the early morning sale, so we might do that. Or I might just order something from the non-frozen region of my house. Since the end of November means SNOW out here, I'm not too sure I want to be up and out at 3:00 AM.

Time to go find one of those surveys. It's now 11:50, and I'm still feeling like I look at the clock every 5 seconds. I wish my bed would get here so I could go out and buy bedding for it, then just collapse for a few hours. I've been up and anxious since about 6 AM.

Computer Crashes

My computer is now dead. Or at least dying. Hard to say when it won't even boot up properly. The hard drive isn't recognized, which means it's either come loose somehow (I'm looking at you, Zot), or it might have fried. And thus I lose all my music... again.

I'm reading through old MySpace messages, and finding that I actually HAD friends at one point. Don't know why I lost touch with them. I guess it just happens sometimes. Have you ever noticed that pattern with friends online? For a while you message back and forth multiple times a day, then something happens and you just lose touch completely. I haven't spoken to this person in over a year. A YEAR! It seems like the time just slips by without my notice, until too much has passed to really catch up. I suppose that's how life is supposed to go, though. People come in and out of our lives in such a way that they either make a huge impact, or no impact at all. I hadn't even thought of this person since the last time I heard from him.

I've also been checking my OTHER MySpace account, one specifically geared toward a particular group of people. It's fun to read the messages there, but some of them are a little insistent. I'm using it to learn how to say "no" to someone, and not care if they unfriend me. I guess it's a good exercise in human interaction. After all, not everyone is always going to like you, so it's probably a healthy idea to get used to that fact.

I'm going to go sketch for a while, and watch some television. Somehow the brain-numbing activity of television gives me the creativity I lack on these meds.

Huh

So here I am, listening to Reba McEntire, and refusing to even contemplate how long it's been since I last updated this. I refuse. I won't even look at the dates of the previous entries.

I'm well medicated now, which is good. Really, it is. Even if it means that I rarely have the desire, inclination, or ability to write these days. It seems that most of my creative inspiration came from my manic episodes, which I am no longer suffering from. At times, it's even been tempting to stop the meds, just to have that pipeline to creativity back. It was such a major part of my life for so long that without it I feel like less of a person. Or, at least, less of ME.

NaNoWriMo is coming up in a little over a month, and I don't even think I'll participate this year. 50,000 words in 30 days was difficult enough to do when I COULD come up with something to write. Now I just feel like a dry, empty well. I have one idea for a story, but that won't fill 50k words, not by a long way. And it's mostly just an idea based on the music I listen to. Not really that great, actually.

I feel like I'm forcing things right now. I'm forcing the happiness I show to other people, and forcing the relationships I have with them. All I really want is to curl up and ignore the world, but I know I can't do that. I start taking an anti-depressant next week, and I'm hoping that will break the funk. I'm also starting therapy next month. Maybe talking some of this out with someone who understands will help.

South Dakota is killing me slowly. I feel like the ficus tree that is planted in a pot instead of allowed to grow wild. Stunted in my growth, unable to really achieve what I'm capable of, because of my placement. I don't dare tell anyone about that, though. It would hurt Jerry so much if he thought I was that unhappy here, and hurting him is top on my list of things not to do. If I don't get out of here soon, though.... hurting him will fall lower on the list, to be replaced with "stay put". Does that make any sense? It does in my head, though I don't like the implications. My life is just so... stagnant! I don't go anywhere, I don't do anything but surf the web and lament the lack of writing. Our marriage hit a brick wall about 3 years ago, and it doesn't seem to be climbing over. At this point, I'd be happy with high-powered explosives bringing that wall down. A part of me feels like I want to leave, but I don't have anywhere to go, or any way to support myself if I did go.

Yep. South Dakota is killing me.